


an endless battle

by c0senpai



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ash Lynx Lives, Character Death, Grief/Mourning, I cried while writing this, Sad Ending, Sad Flashbacks, Time skip at the end, eiji dies lol, funeral speech, i had a good idea at 2am, im so sorry for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:00:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29331975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/c0senpai/pseuds/c0senpai
Summary: Ash never got his happy ending. He always knew he wouldn't, but with Eiji he always seemed to have hope.Death would've been so much better than this.
Kudos: 1





	an endless battle

**Author's Note:**

> hi!  
> sorry for the self promo but follow my instagram @c0senpai  
> \------------------------------------------------  
> get a drink and snacks people!  
> sorry for any grammar mistakes, i wanted to write my idea down before it left my head.
> 
> \- c senpai <3

His eyes cracked open and blurred again as pain shot up his stomach.

As his head came around, his memory followed, his hand still clenching the bloodied letter from Eiji and the plane ticket in the torn envelope.

His other hand pressed against his stomach, stopping the flow of blood from his recent stab wound from draining.

Ash wasn't sure why he was stopping himself from dying. He knew it was his time. He knew it would all be over: the pain, the trauma, the putting Eiji's life in danger, after all, Ash hadn't got a chance to go to the airport and go to Japan with Eiji.

He didn't think he deserved it.

Ash stayed with his head on the library table and eyes shut until the pain was bearable enough to move.

"Excuse me, um, I did say this a while ago but you were asleep...but um you're not supposed to be sleeping here." A woman stood over Ash, a pile of books in her hand and glasses on the end of her freckled nose.

Ash groaned and clenched the letter tighter.

"Sorry. Haven't been sleeping well. This is the only place I can get some quiet." He knew damn well he wasn't here for sleep.

Ash knew he wanted to die in a peaceful place. Of course, he'd rather die in his favourite library than some back alley; that was part of the reason he thought it was his time. He was somewhere comfortable, somewhere safe.

The woman hummed in response and scuttled away, leaving Ash to collect his thoughts.

_Eiji should be on the plane heading to Japan by now. It takes 14 hours to get to Tokyo and if it's 3pm that means I'v been out for 5 hours._

His thoughts seemed to get louder and louder.

_Go to Japan. You still have a chance._

Ash shook the thought away and began to stand up from his seat to go to the hospital.

After all, his body had a chance to die but had chosen not to. It must not be his time, then.

___________________________________________________________________________

Ash checked out of the hospital, despite the nurses begging him to stay and repair fully.

He refused. He needed to get to Japan as soon as he could, and see Eiji.

He still had a chance.

If anyone deserved a good future, it was him. Ash took a his whole life up to this moment to believe that, and he wasn't going to let an opportunity like this slip away so easily. 

They both knew they were soulmates. From their first time meeting, the first word spoken and the first look at each other, they knew how much each other meant.

Ash gritted his teeth at the thought that he ever put Eiji in danger.

He strode out of the revolving doors of the extremely familiar hospital and head straight to the airport.

Max and Charlie were meeting him there to give him his luggage, plane ticket and passport.

It was half 12 at night when snow started to fall from the sky, sticking to Ash's blond hair and melting into the warmth.

He picked up his pace as he practically sauntered through the snow to the airport.

He was met by Max and Charlie when he arrived at the airport. it was pitch black outside and the snowfall started to heavily pick up, turning into an almost blizzard. 

Ash pulled the side of his coat up, shielding his face from the stinging snowflakes.

____________________________________________________________________________________

The cold wind flew at Eiji's face as he stepped off of the plane and onto the ground for the first time in 14 hours.

It was still light outside but since Eiji had been in New York for so long, his body still told him it was time to sleep.

It was warm inside the airport, contrasting to the freezing cold winter of Tokyo, but the strange silence made the whole atmosphere of the airport stuffy and uncomfortable.

Ibe and Eiji had already booked a hotel and went to get food before settling into their rooms.

 _He didnt come,_ Eiji thought to himself, _I know it's his life and he deserves to have a good future, but he could have a good one here with me. No guns, no mafia, just us._

Eiji's thoughts were interrupted by Ibe asking him if he wanted to eat.

He'd felt nauseous on the plane journey here and hadn't eaten, although he'd had a few beers and lemonades on the plane.

He hummed and shook his head in response to Ibe's question and rested his chin on his hand.

He was sitting at a sushi bar and looking out of the window. Eiji could see the runway and several lined up planes as well as a few flecks of snow falling from the sky.

_it was snowing when i left America._

Eiji thought to himself.

"Eiji, seriously. You haven't eaten in a few days. You need to build yourself back up, you're still not well." Ibe said, a slight tone of worry rising in his throat.

"Hm? Oh yeah, sorry. Just get me something sweet like mochi." He replied, spacing out almost completely.

_I wonder what Ash is doing. I hope he's alright._

_________________________________________________________________________________

Ash sat with his head against the frosty window.

His eyes felt heavy despite already having sleep in the hospital, and in the library.

He eventually dozed off to the subtle sound of the aeroplane in flight and the comfort of the warmth in the aircraft.

Ash woke to morning light filling the sky and the plane engulfed by clouds. 

He rubbed his eyes and rolled up his sleeve to look at his watch.

The time was 11:00am, meaning it would be 3 hours until he would land. He heaved himself up off of his position on the window and groaned as pain shot up his neck from his awkward pose.

Once he had ordered some lunch, Ash looked out of the window and smiled as he saw Japan beneath him.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Eiji sighed and stepped out of the bathroom.

He had barely been able to eat, drink or take care of himself since he had been in the hospital.

He was able to walk, but still relied on his wheelchair for longer distances.

it was 1:45pm and time to have lunch and even though he knew he wouldn't eat he felt obliged to try - after all, Ibe was worried, and he knew Ash would be forcing food down his throat if he was with him right now.

Eiji smiled sadly and shook off any melancholy memories he had with him.

It was struggle enough getting down the long corridors of the airport hotel, let alone getting down floors.

The lifts took forever to come.

He groaned and tapped the side of his wheelchair impatiently.

He thought to himself how ignorant he had been to those in a wheelchair before.

_I guess you never realise how much of a struggle something is until you actually experience it, huh._

He said to himself.

When the lift finally came, he wheeled himself in and received a smile from an older woman.

"What a gorgeous face!" She said in Japanese.

Eiji hadn't spoken or heard Japanese in a long while, since he had been in America for a long time, and Ibe had gotten used to speaking to him in English.

"Thank you, ma'am." He replied, also in Japanese.

She laughed and said, "call me Akari." 

Eiji tilted his head to look up at her.

"Then call me Eiji, Akari-san." He smiled sweetly and tapped at his wheelchair again.

She hummed in response and let the elevator fall into comforting silence again as the numbers of floors descended on the small screen.

"Say, Eiji-kun, would you like to eat with me? We can go and get sushi, if you like." Akari asked, eyes on the small screen.

"That sounds nice, thank you." Eiji replied as the elevator pinged at the bottom floor.

"Great! Your hands must be tired, it would be less trouble for you if i pushed you." Akari said softly.

"Oh yes, my hands are pretty worn out. You're so kind, Akari-san." Eiji smiled and pulled his hands away from the wheels and interlocked his hands together in his lap.

"Right! Lets go then." 

Eiji pulled himself out of his wheelchair and hopped onto the stool at the sushi bar.

He ordered and looked out of the window again. The sky was clear despite it being winter and minus degrees outside.

It was already 2:00pm and yet Eiji didn't feel one bit hungry, but still, he ate, remembering Ash's complaints on his food with every bite.

_"How do you eat this?!" Ash stuck his tongue out and turned his nose up at the fish and soup in front of him._

_Eiji laughed and scooped some soup up on his spoon and waved it in front of Ash's face,_

_"Here comes the...um, Ash-kun? What's hikoki in English? You know, the flying thing in the sky that people travel in?"_

_"It's called an aeroplane you dumbass. You can call it a plane as well." Ash replied._

_"Pla-yen?" Eiji said hesitantly._

_"Yeah yeah, whatever. Don't say the Y though, kay?" He replied, holding back a laugh._

_"Hey! Don't laugh at me! I bet you couldn't say a single thing in Japanese." Eiji laughed._

_"Actually, i can say something. Konnichiwa, Eiji-san." Ash grinned proudly and crossed his arms with pride._

_Eiji clutched his stomach with laughter and said between laughs, "your pronunciation is shit, Ash-kun! And don't bother with the -san, you don't even know what that's for."_

_Ash frowned and pouted his lips._

_"Fine, teach me." Ash smiled as he saw Eiji's face light up._

_"Hmm, okay. I'll teach you how to say goodbye."_

Eiji sniffed back tears and bit his lip.

He wished he had never taught Ash that word.

"Are you alright, Eiji-san? You look troubled." Akari said, worry furrowing her brows.

Eiji plastered a smile onto his face and replied, "oh yeah, sorry. Just missing America. I met some nice people." His smile turned sad.

"Oh, America huh? I wish i could go there. Did you take any nice photos that you could show me?" She returned a slightly sad smile and looked up at Eiji.

"Mhm! Ibe-san, my boss is a photographer, so i have loads of professional photos! But they're in my room, so I'll have to show you the ones on my phone."

She nodded and turned her body to face Eiji.

He unlocked his phone and started scrolling through the pictures from New York.

"This is me and Ibe-san in the airport when we first arrived. It was snowing and looked sort of ethereal."

Akari smiled and nodded for Eiji to keep scrolling.

"Oh! That's when I met Ash. He was supposed to come back to Japan and, I don't know, I had some plan to live together. I'm not sure he would even agree to it, but it seems he was busy." Eiji cleared his throat to hold back tears.

"Oh. I see. You loved him, right?" She rested her chin on her hands and smiled up at Eiji.

"Huh? Me and Ash-kun? Oh, no, well- I guess I...yeah. I never really told him my feelings, but i think they were mutual." Eiji replied hesitantly.

"I miss being young. My first love was a girl, but somehow i ended up with a crappy old husband," Akari giggled and sighed, "well, maybe something held him up. From the pictures, he looks like he really loves you, too. You'll see him again, sometime. Don't lose hope, Eiji-kun!" 

"Thank you, Akari-san." Eiji paused as his chopstick fell to the floor and clattered quietly.

"Butterfingers, you are!" Akari laughed and patted Eiji's shoulder.

A man wearing a black jacket emerged from the side of the bar and bent down to pick up Eiji's chopstick.

"Oh, thank you, but I can get that..." Eiji tried to say, but the man was already stood up, towering over Eiji.

Eiji's eyes widened as he tumbled off of his stool, onto the cold, hard floor.

"Eiji-kun?! Eiji-kun! What's wrong?" Akari fell to her knees beside Eiji, frantically waving her hands to call for help.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Ash picked up his suitcase from the carousel and followed the signs to the exit.

A guard stepped out in front of him and another followed, "gomen, ki-"

"English, please." Ash said, mildly angry that he'd been stopped.

"Oh, um, sorry. You can't pass just yet, there's been an issue." He shared a glance with the other guard and opened his mouth to begin speaking again, but was stopped by Ash.

"What kind of issue? Please, I'm in a bit of a rush right now." Ash inhaled aggressively.

"Someone's been stabbed. So please, in respect of them, can you just wait a few hours?" 

Ash's heart stopped. 

_No._

_It couldn't be._

_Eiji is safe here._

Ash paused before his next words to the guards, "w-whats his name, please?"

The guards exchanged a look and sighed, "Okumura Eiji, from what we know."

Ash's face went blank.

His mind too.

His legs weakened, and arms followed, letting go of the handle of his suitcase.

He opened his mouth to speak but his throat was completely dry and mind completely blank.

Ash swallowed nothing.

"p-plea- i nee-" Ash stumbled past the guards, not caring about his suitcase.

"Hey! Please don't do that!" But Ash had already broken into a run over to the forming crowd at the sushi bar.

With blurred vision, he shoved past people and suitcases, not listening to the scolds he received.

"EIJI!" Ash screamed.

His voice broke into a cry, and then a whisper as tears filled his eyes and his throat closed up.

"A-ash-kun? You came." Eiji whispered.

Ash fell onto his knees beside Eiji.

"You! Hand on his wound! Stop the blood flow!" He shouted at Akari.

"Oh for fucks sake." He wiped his face with his elbow and tore off his jacket, pressing it onto Eiji's renewed stab wound and applied pressure with his hand.

"Ash, hold my hand." Eiji hissed in pain and reached his hand out to Ash.

"Eiji, I'm so, so sorry. Lao- no, it doesn't matter. I had to go to hospital. I was stabbed while running to the airport. But I'm here now, Eiji, I'm here."

Eiji gasped in pain and shakily replied.

"My soul is always with you. I didn't know that meant we'd end up with the same fate, Ash-kun. But my body is a lot weaker than yours, so i won't be able to sustain this."

"N-no. You will, I promise. An ambulance is on it's way and you'll be taken care of really well, and we'll live together, Eiji, here in Japan. We'll eat your miso and mackerel until we're both old, and we'll be buried together." 

Ash clutched Eiji's hand tighter than he had the letter.

"Cremated. I want to be cremated, Ash-kun. Scatter them at your home, the one where you taught me to shoot." 

"No, we don't need this conversation right now Eiji. Hold on, hold on to me tight. I won't let go this time, not ever." 

Eiji smiled. A smile that had warmed everyone's heart, a warmth that Ash couldn't live without.

A warmth that had changed him.

A warmth that reminded Ash that he _was_ lovable.

Eiji's next words were in Japanese, since English was too difficult right now.

"Ash-kun, sayonara. s-suki da."

Ash looked up at Akari.

"He said goodbye, i love you." She whispered.

Ash's eyes darted back down to Eiji and opened his mouth to reply.

His jaw dropped open as he pressed against Eiji's wrist.

The pulse was gone.

His hand went cold.

________________________________________________________________________________

It was dark outside when the crowd had dispersed.

Everyone had left the airport lobby apart from a few cleaners, people who had late flights and Ash.

He hadn't moved from the spot where Eiji died.

The paramedic team and police officers had to put up a fight to drag Eiji's lifeless body off of Ash, and sprained Ash's wrist in the process of prising his hand off of Eiji's.

Ash had been there for 5 hours, just laying on the stone floor, replaying everything over and over again.

He was so dehydrated from crying that you could see all of the veins in his forehead, and all the veins in his neck as well as a result of shouting and screaming.

In that moment, Ash hadn't cared once about people seeing him cry, seeing him vulnerable.

He always had, yet in that one moment, all he wanted was Eiji.

_______________________________________________________________________________

"Ash!"

Ash rose his head from the ground and turned around, quick enough to give any normal person whiplash.

The voice sounded like Eiji's.

"Ash, we came as soon as we heard what happened..." Alex said.

"Boss, we're so sorry." Kong said, crouching down to meet Ash's eye line.

"Don't call me that ever again." Ash replied in a surprisingly aggressive whisper.

Ash rose from his distraught heap on the floor and stumbled as he attempted to find his balance,

"I- sorry Ash." Kong replied, backing away from the monster before him.

Ash wiped his patchy red face with his sleeve and took a step forward, and then falling back down to his knees in another fit of tears.

This time, it wasn't silent.

His roars of pain and sadness echoed through the whole airport lobby and his friends were overcome with emotion and sympathy for their former gang leader.

After all, they'd never seen him show such emotion.

They knew he possessed it, but he'd never dare show any sign of sadness in front of them.

Bones, Kong and Alex all rushed over to Ash's side and knelt beside him.

Every scream seemed to rip through each of the boys' hearts.

After a few hours, Ash's screams stopped and his tears followed.

He rose to his feet again, and Kong and Bones each wrapped an arm around Ash's shoulder for support.

___________________________________________________________________________________ 

**One Year Later**

His eyes cracked open and blurred again, but not with pain shooting up his stomach.

The sun could just be seen over the tall buildings of Izumo.

Sunrise was always Ash's favourite time of day; the whole world was calm and the sky was beautiful.

But today was another one of Ash's bad days.

Some days, Ash was able to eat one of two meals, as well as writing a few emails for work.

That was classified as a good day.

Other days, he wouldn't be able to leave his bed, which meant not eating and not working.

This was a bad day.

And today was a bad day.

Since Eiji's death, Ash struggled to do anything simple.

He hadn't been out for over two weeks, and rubbish, plates and clothes were piling up.

A year ago, after Eiji's death, Eiji's parents let Ash live in Izumo so he could see Eiji's family every so often, and would never have to go back to New York and his old life.

Bones and Kong moved to Tokyo so they could be closer to Ash, and Alex lived a floor below him.

He was glad to have his friends so close to him.

Ash sighed and rolled over on his bed, pulling the covers further up to cover his mouth.

His eyes squeezed shut as tears seeped out.

**Flashback**

A relative stepped down from the altar and wiped some tears with the back of her hand.

Eiji's funeral consisted of a small gathering of people and was held in a traditional Japanese building, just as he wanted.

Alex put his hand on Ash's shoulder and he stood up, adjusting his tie and walking up to the alter.

"Gomen, I know not many people here will speak English, so I'll just make this short." Ash spoke, craning his neck down to the microphone.

"Me and Eiji didn't know each other for long, nor were we anything significant, but we were connected," His voice broke into a whisper, "Soul to soul."

A few people gasped to catch their breaths between tears.

"He had my heart and my soul, and I'll love him forever. If we were to get married, we wouldn't say the normal vows, because in reality, it's not 'till death do us part', because if you really love someone, death should not be the end of your love for someone. Eiji taught me about Japanese culture, especially about the Gods, and a lot of people will agree with me about this but I think Eiji should be the God of kindness. He was the kindest most thoughtful person I'v ever known. He saved me." 

Ash exhaled a shaky breath before continuing, this time, in Japanese,

"English wasn't Eiji's first language, yet that's all we communicated in. When he first came to New York, he didn't know much. When i think about it, I taught him so much, but there's no question about the fact that he taught me more than I taught him. He taught me that I'm not unloveable, he taught me that I am not my past, and he taught me a few words in Japanese."

A few people in the audience laughed.

Ash gave a sad smile and carried on with this speech,

"Sayonara was the last word he taught me, and I wish he didn't."

Cries erupted from the audience.

Ash bowed his head and stepped down from the audience, missing his seat and walking straight out of the building.

**Present Day**

"Alexa, shuffle my playlist." Ash said, pulling his laptop up on to his bed.

"Shuffling Lynx's playlist." Alexa replied.

His fingers hovered over his keyboard to log in.

_Ash Lynx_

_Password:_

Pain shot into his heart even typing his name.

_Password: Okumura Eiji_

____________________________________________________________________________

**Ending**

Ash doesn't value his life.

He never has, but now he has even more reason not to.

It's been 10 years since Eiji's death and it still feels like yesterday for Ash.

He doesn't want to die.

He needs to live, for Eiji.

But his life isn't something he values or looks after.

He takes unnecessary risks just to feel something.

"Ash-kun, please stay. For Eiji, for your friends. I know he would've wanted that. It's a lot to ask of us, we know, but please."

Eiji's parents had made it clear to Ash that he needed to stay. 

At the time, he thought them selfish.

Who wouldn't?

His soulmate had just died, and people still wanted the person at the root of his death alive?

And how was Ash supposed to stay knowing that he would never find love again?

_"If you think these sunrises are pretty, come to Izumo with me and see them there!" Eiji said with a warm smile on his face._

_"Ih-su-mo?" Ash replied._

_Eiji laughed and clutched his stomach, "Izumo, Ash-kun. Ee-zu-mo."_

_"Shut your mouth Eiji, I can totally pronounce it. Ih-" Ash was stopped by a hand clamped onto his shoulder and a very out-of-breath-from-laughing Eiji._

_"Don't worry, you'll be able to say it when we go there. We'll be laughing about this moment when we're both old and crumbly. Hopefully then you'll be able to pronounce it better than me. Here, set the camera up so we can take a picture and remember this." Eiji handed Ash the camera so he could put it on a short pillar to capture the moment of the two in the sunrise._

_"You ready? San, ni, ichi! Smile!" Ash said, pride from knowing three numbers in Japanese illuminating his smile._

**Author's Note:**

> hope u all enjoyed  
> and i hope it wasnt too sad, even though i cried explaining my idea to two of my friends and cried writing this.  
> ash, eiji and shorter all deserved so much better.  
> i felt like by living, ash would suffer even more and thats what made this idea so sad.  
> i hope i executed this idea properly!  
> follow my instagram if u havent already >;(


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